By Sabrina Manganella Simmons
Coastal Parent

If you go Coastal Rail Buffs' 15th Annual Model Railroad and Train Show Jan. 17-18, 9:30 a.m.-4:30 p.m. Savannah Mall in the former Montgomery Ward store $4, $3 seniors and students, free for children under 12

Sara Lawrence-Lightfoot argues that successful parent/teacher conferences are vital to children's educations, and she delves into the invisible emotional currents that pervade these conversations in her new book, "The Essential Conversation: What Parents and Teachers can Learn From Each Other."

With sensitivity and wisdom, Lawrence - Lightfoot, a sociologist and professor of education at Harvard - and a mother, examines issues that influence parent/teacher relationships, and consequently shape education. Using interviews with parents and teachers, and observation of parent/teacher interactions, she unearths the "unspoken" conversations behind the conversations.

She writes of "generational echoes," meaning that teachers and parents childhood experiences become part and parcel of the conference, often unconsciously.

"Every one of the teachers I interviewed, for example, finds it necessary to begin with her life story, her perspective as a young child...Interestingly, teachers references to their childhood stories refer to traumatic, painful experiences rather than memories of triumph, and these have a huge impact on how they work with their students and build relationships with parents," writes Lawrence-Lightfoot.

Similarly, parents come to conferences laden with childhood memories.

One father, Paul, was convinced that his son was not challenged in math described his feelings about teacher conferences as "an undeniable terror."

Later, Paul talked about a parent/teacher event he remembered occurring when he was a child when his father grabbed the math book from the teacher and read one of the most difficult problems in the back of the book to his son, a problem that had not been covered in class.

The teacher protested, but Paul's father ignored her. Paul got every problem correct without missing a beat. When the teacher expressed surprise, Paul's father responded with intense emotion, saying, "You've never challenged him."

Even in recounting the story to Lawrence-Lightfoot, Paul did not make the connection between his own intense worry that his son was not being challenged, and his own traumatic event - where his father served as a tremendous advocate, irrevocably changing the teachers impression of his abilities.

What does a teacher do when a parent clearly has a chip on her shoulder making it hard to communicate effectively? What about when a teacher is inexperienced and insecure and defensive? What about the issues of race and class that are buzzing under and within parent/teacher conferences?

Lawrence-Lightfoot gives productive examples of experienced teachers and parents working around the ghosts in the classroom to productively advocate for children.

In her conclusion, Lawrence-Lightfoot writes that empathy is the key to a successful parent[teacher conversation. "Each must respect and value what the other knows and sees; each must attend artfully and listen deeply to the perspective and wisdom that the other brings . . . by empathy, I mean putting yourself in the other person's shoes, seeing the world from the other persons vantage point," writes Lawrence-Lightfoot.

This book offers insight into a much overlooked but important subject. A great read for somebody who likes to be challenged, and wants to impact their child or students education proactively.