Children Learn What They Live Dorothy Law Nolte, Ph.D. If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn. If children live with hostility, they learn to fight. If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive. If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves. If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy. If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy. If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty. If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence. If children live with tolerance, they learn patience. If children live with praise, they learn appreciation. If children live with acceptance, they learn to love. If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves. If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal. If children live with sharing, they learn generosity. If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness. If children live with fairness, they learn justice. If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect. If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them. If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live. Copyright 1972 Dorothy Law Nolte

Welcome to the first edition of Coastal Parent and to this column, Mental Floss. Use it to create good parental mental hygiene. Practice it daily for a happier healthier proud parental smile.

Parenting is one of the basic activities or our species. It's a process that we use to pass on our genes, our culture, our hopes and wishes. We can do it very well or sadly enough, very poorly. Parenting lets us pass on some of ourselves to the future. This column is also a process for passing on a little something to you and to the future. We will look for useful concepts and tips to help you do the best job possible because, you see, our children are our future.

What do we want to convey to our child or children about this world we've brought them into? Is it a secure place? Can we trust the other inhabitants of the planet? Are they loved? Do we love them? Do we respect them? Do we want them to grow up to be autonomous adults who think for themselves? If so, be aware that they will practice while they're under our roof.

Do we want them to be just like us? If not, why not? If we're unhappy with ourselves and want our child to be different, will they be different - yet unhappy?

We convey our answers to these questions through the way we are, not just what we say. We make mistakes but hopefully they aren't too major or too many! Will we learn from these mistakes, correct them, forgive ourselves and move on to a better life? If so, that's what we're teaching our children.

If we are fortunate enough to be part of a good parenting team, the answers to our day-to-day parenting questions will be a blend of what each individual parent's answer would be if he or she were alone. If we are a single parent the answers will be ours with influences from many sources. As a parent, we realize that our own experience as a child greatly influences our parenting style. If we don't want to be the kind of parent that our parents were, we'd best be about the business of coming to terms with our own childhood issues.

What kind of child do we want to rear? What kind of adult do we want our child to become?

The answer to that question comes from two major sources: Us and our child - with the world having a part to play, too.

Children, you see, do not come into this world as a tabula rasa - a blank slate. Many aspects of their personalities are determined when the sperm meets the egg. In utero influences further modify the genetic blueprint so when the child is born they are in every respect their own person with their own personality. But we know that already, we're parents. Many mothers know about their child's temperament before they're born. They may be relaxed and easy going or high strung and temperamental. They may be explorers or more cautious. They may be connectors or aloof.

So is our role as a parent to simply feed and water our offspring while they manifest the blueprint? Not quite! We help them become the best that they can be.

Say young Jim is naturally a resilient and gregarious explorer who's active and always open to new experience yet isn't very conscientious. He's probably not going to be content or comfortable sitting behind a desk for eight hours a day doing routine paperwork 50 weeks of the year and painting the house during his vacation. He probably won't be very good at it either. Jim will do a better in a life that capitalizes on his natural talents.

As Jim's parent we can help him channel his energy in a productive direction. We can admire his innate ability to enjoy the company of others in shared pursuit of common goals whether it be on the sports field or the classroom. We can rejoice in his new discoveries and encourage more. We can help him learn structure and discipline so that when he needs to be conscientious, and he's not naturally that way, he'll have some skills to fall back on. We can participate in the process of Jim's growth from an infant to an adult. He may be a bicycle tour guide who ends up owning the company or he may be a teacher. If we share much of Jim's temperament, helping him grow to responsible adulthood might be relatively easy since we've passed this way before during our own growing up.

However, if Jim harbors the best of the recessive genes in our and his other parent's families, then we may be at somewhat of a loss as to how to rear this young'un who's not like anyone else in the family. (This may be seen more often in adoptive families if they don't have any blood relationship.) This is one of the times when having a good parenting team is invaluable because we get to share the mystery of this child and work together to understand what he needs.

What we can't really do is turn Jim into a rigorously conscientious adult who thrives on routine and is content with solitary, sedentary and repetitive tasks. If we try, we'll both be frustrated. If Jim plays to his strengths and compensates for his weakness he'll do well, naturally.

As the parents, we are like gardeners. We till the soil and prepare it well. We plant the seed in an area with the right amount of sun. We water is as often as we need to and we keep the weeds away from our young sprout. We check it for diseases. We fertilize and prune it as needed. We can't turn a dahlia into a dogwood. We can't make sunflowers like the shade. We can grow beautiful flowers, vegetables and trees by giving them what they need.

Pat Mooney is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in Savannah who also writes for our sister publication, Coastal Senior. You can e-mail him with suggestions for future columns, patmooneylcsw@bellsouth.net