By Pat Mooney
For Coastal Parent

One responsibility that parents have is to raise moral children - children who know right from wrong and regularly chose what's right. We want to raise children who grow into adults who can understand and weigh the complexities of ethical dilemmas and then make decisions based on reason and values. People with a conscience!
How do children learn morals and what's the best way to teach them? Many of the institutions that have traditionally supported this effort are changing. Extended families and regular attendance at places of worship are no longer the norm. In our mobile society, stable neighborhoods where all the parents know and guide all the children (you know, "it takes a village to raise a child,") are the exception rather than the rule.

Lawrence Kohlberg, a researcher at Harvard, attempted to answer the question of how children develop morally by interviewing children of various ages. He posed various ethical dilemmas and listened, not necessarily to the answers, but to the reasoning behind the answers. He noted that children learn moral development in stages starting from what behavior gets punished and what does not and culminating, at least in some people with moral decision making based on universal principles that may at times override conventional law. (Remember, slavery was legal but it was not right.)

Parents are the first teachers, or moral educators, and our most powerful teaching tool is the example we set. If we chose to lie about the 3-year-old's age so that we don't have to pay for an adult movie ticket, then the child learns that it's OK to lie and that the truth is only worth a couple of bucks. If the child sees us treat everyone, from the custodian at work to the boss's boss, with respect, then the child learns that all people are worthy of respect.

In addition to setting a good example, we sometimes need to explain why we make certain choices, particularly right choices. It is equally important to acknowledge mistakes and let children see us attempt to right our wrongs.

Children make choices and we see them every day if we're looking. When a child makes a right and honest choice, even though it may be difficult, then we need to recognize and praise this. "I know that was a difficult choice that you made and I'm proud that you were honest, compassionate, etc." is a tremendously strong and affirming message to deliver to the child who may suffer in the short-term for the sake of integrity in the long-run.

But children, like adults, will make mistakes and when they do what's the best way to handle it? When do we let the child "learn from his or her mistakes" and when do we intervene? We can ask ourselves, "What will happen if I don't intervene?" and let the answer guide us.

Certainly, a child playing with matches doesn't need to learn that matches are dangerous through the logical consequence of a house fire. We intervene and correct the child then put the matches out of reach.

On the other hand, teenagers should not to be rescued from the consequences of delinquent behavior that violates social norms for safety or respect of others. The fine art of parenting lies in discerning when to impose consequences and when to let natural and logical consequences work their magic.

Kohlberg notes that a child's ability to comprehend moral lessons develops in stages as they grow.

Prior to early elementary school age, children have an Obedience and Punishment orientation. Their knowledge of right and wrong is based on a set of rules handed down from high authority which if obeyed bring reward and if violated bring punishment.

In early elementary school children move to an Individualism and Exchange orientation where they understand that different people have different viewpoints and that there is not just one right view. They understand that it may be in their best interest to give so that the favor may be returned.

Things change when children get to be teenagers. Prior to this time, the concept of right and wrong is rooted in self-interest: whether I'll be punished or should I give in order to get and can I avoid punishment for bad decisions.

As adolescence sets in, youngsters begin seeing themselves as integral parts of society and moral decision making takes this into account.

Initially their orientation is toward determining what behavior promotes Good Interpersonal Relationships. They have a sense of family, peer and community expectations and of what constitutes "good" behavior. They understand that good behavior takes into account motivation and interpersonal feelings like love, trust, empathy and compassion. Internal conflict arises from the different expectations of their moral reference groups and their own value system.

Some late teens and adults carry this one step further and use what is good for society as a whole as a basis for moral decision making.

Some move on to the stage of considering the Social Contract and Individual Rights when making moral decisions. They look to assure that basic rights are protected and that there is a democratic means for improving society.

The great contemporary moral leaders, - Ghandi, Martin Luther King Jr., Mother Theresa - attain the final stage of Universal Principles where universal justice and equal respect for all guides decision making.

Keeping these stages in mind, particularly the early ones, helps us determine when our children are capable of making certain types of moral decisions and how they make these decisions. It guides us in how to approach conversations with our children and it gives us a hint as to what to listen for when talking with our children about moral decision-making.

Pat Mooney is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in Savannah. You can e-mail him with suggestions for future columns at: patmooneylcsw@bellsouth.net